And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. Find a common ground youve got to. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. , temperance He can take care of himself." Like many women,. Up to a point. Did we always get along? If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. Losing the . I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. They loved it, I hated it. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Dream! I think I read this differently than Wendy. Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! All rights reserved. But I agree with everything else you said. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. temperance Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Totally agree on the respect issue. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. it seems to . I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Just because FOX cancelled Firefly doesnt mean its not awesome anymore. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. He thinks it's ridiculous. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. You always give good advice (duh!) He let us put makeup on him. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Too little time to post! This is a throw away account. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. You probably had no idea you were getting into this no-win relationship when it began. Good stuff all around! It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. Skyblossom Will he ever change? Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. And musicals should be revered as an art form. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . So insightful! On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. Awesome show full of information. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Your email address will not be published. I have to agree. Who knows? Grow up, already. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! Skyblossom And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. I agree with you to some extent. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? Its not rocket science. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. I know I did. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care. (I threw it all up and cried. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. lets_be_honest Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. Definitely! If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. I agree weddings can be stupid . Before the 12 year was born. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? Is there a middle ground? Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. "If your family don't want to see both of you . All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. . July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Hes putting her down. And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. bittergaymark It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). But he can be a great dad regardless. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. lets_be_honest She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. This mother needs to chill out a bit. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. I have to just try harder.. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes? No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. Thats awesome! It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. lets_be_honest For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. 1. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age.
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