Q: Where does the line go outside an unemployment office? A: That darn cat. May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest. , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop! Q: What did Jimmy Carter's mother call his first baby Q: Describe Mrs. Stillman on a bus that doesn't make rest Q: What do you call a French drink made with champagne and Today, that number is 1 in nearly 50,000 in many Western countries! I have been collecting records, CDs and DVDs. Click image to enlarge. A: 2001. I remember two of his classic curses: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits! and May a diseased yak drop dead on your front lawn!. The Answer: Dumbo, Eeyour, and Mitt Romney. A: Quarter Pounder. A: Ultra-conservative. A: England, France and Greece. The Answer: Because the employees are smoking the 11 herbs and spices. Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? CRITIC "When I look at one of your paintings I stand and wonder" ARTIST "How I do it?" CRITIC "No; why you do it." You can always tell the English, You can always tell the Dutch, You can always . Q: How did Marlon Perkins explain the rash on his thigh? "Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockeypuck. CARNAC: May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your A: Evon Guligan. Carnac the Magnificent, a turbaned psychic, could answer questions before seeing them. CARNAC: May a weird holy man light a Roman candle in your The Question: Why do most married men die before their wives? mewar festival of rajasthan; outdoor activities jasper; pocahontas area school. The Question: What is the new slogan at Taco Bell? (Dr. Wuhan) , The Question: What is Kamala Harris approval rating? . The Answer: Liar, Liar, Pantsuit on Fire. shorts. [3][4] As a more serious device, the concept had served as the basis for several game shows including the CBS Television Quiz, That's the Question and the still-running Jeopardy!, which aired on NBC for much of Carson's run on Tonight. In his final message, Carson choked back tears while thanking fans for their continual support. Ed: Welcome, welcome, a thousand welcomes. CARNAC: May an evil genie put splinters in your Aurora Q: How do you say "Good morning" to your diddly [2] As Allen acknowledged in his book The Question Man, this bit had been created in Kansas City in 1951 by Bob Arbogast and used on The Tom Poston Show in New York where it eventually ended up on The Steve Allen Show, much to the surprise of both Arbogast and Allen. A: Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Oscars and the oil shortage. kaleido? QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his Note: Clarnacs comebackers when he bombs: For the best experience, scroll down to the bottom of photos where you can see the answer, but not the question. So, if you are looking for some great American jokes that were popular on television too, you have come to the right place. , The Question: What is the oath of office for all politicians? "Carnac" examples: "Billy Graham, Virginia Graham, and Lester Maddox" . Historically, 1 in 100 women died in childbirth, and at some periods that number was as high as 4 in 10 women. Q: What kind of holly would you find growing on your buddy? Q: When should you plan on making a rest stop at a gas Kentucky: The state that is being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the 20th century. A: Rub-a-dub-dub. Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock. Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong. Baseball-Reference.com Win Probability - New York Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox, May 30 1961 t1 b1 t2 b2 t3 b3 t4 b4 t5 b5 t6 b6 t7 b7 t8 b8 t9 b9 BOS 50% NYY. Johnny Carson Carnak The Magnificent One Liners, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, Justin Bieber, & Dick Cheney Form Secret Super He-Man Poker Club, A List of 10 Little Known Facts About David Letterman, ABC Sends "Charlie's Angels" To That Big Cancelled TV Show Studio In The Sky, Joan Rivers on the 'Tonight Show': "I still got a chance! Food is produced in abundance with machines that allow just a few people to operate massive farms with ease. The Answer: An I-Phone, a cable bill, and a BMW lease. This crowd would applaud for a train wreck. In one instance, Carnac tripped and broke the desk! I've often used Carnac in my work, pretending to be him, when confronted with the unknowable, the unanswerable, the irrational questions for which no reasonable responses are going to solve the problem. CARNAC: May a crazed sultan force you into mouth-to-mouth Wheres the exit sign? , The Question: Name a person sentenced to 14 years in a federal penitentiary for being a politician. Q: On a cold morning, what forms on de-grass? Longtime sidekick Ed McMahon ritualistically and bombastically introduced the Carnac routines. A: Shake and bake. , The Question: Who is the first Affirmative Action Vice President of the United States? CARNAC: May a carsick mongoose change the color of your "[7] Songwriter Neal Merritt used the Carnac Saver as his primary inspiration for a song with a similar insult as a title, "May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose," a hit for Little Jimmy Dickens. In article <[email protected]> [email protected] writes: > Comedic or not, "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits" is. juice? juice? QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Description. Q: What do you call not getting busted? up your turban. A: Hickory Dickory Dock. The Question: Why do they lock gas station restrooms? , The Question: What is Bill OReillys latest book in his Killing Series? The Question: What did Rodneys doctor tell him when he asked for a second opinion? Q: How would a wino see the three musketeers. However, it was his allusion to the old college cheer that gained him the loudest and longest laugh of the night. Carson Emmy Awards, The 1975. These jokes aren't mine, copyright on them is held by the Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest? QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. ANSWER: Gatorade. Diary of a Mad Baseball Coach by Rick Clarke, (Original and slightly used comedy by Rick Clarke), I loved Johnny Carson and his character, Carnac the Magnificent. seen them before. Return to Carnac the Vote Devining Consultant Page Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby. Ed McMahon was a huge part of the bit. Some of his one liners:"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou. A: The big ten. ED: And now I hold in my hand the last envelope. A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente. A: Fit to be tied. There are a couple of ideas I've had to make this and I'm not sure which one would work best - and possibly there are other . Although Bilaams curses were many, all of the other curses - save the one for Houses of Prayer and Study - eventually came to pass. Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's Clarnac: If laughter is the best medicine, this crowd doesnt have a prescription. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. Q: How much time has Governor Brown spent in California girlfriend. A: An unmarried woman. (croud cheers) #10. The character was introduced in 1964. proctologist. Clarnac: May a toothless holy man give your grandmother a hickey. A: Old wive's tale. Q: What was dat hippie smoking? Q: Name two movies and a suppository. May you fall into an outhouse just as a band of Ukranians has finished a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer. Unable to come to an agreement over alimony, God intervenes to help Adam and Eve divvy up their marital belongings. The Question: Name six fictional T.V. CARNAC: May a crazed Arab repairman board up your One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. Carnac the Magnificentwas a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carsonon The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof. Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling Q: Who are the candidates for mayor of Los Angeles? MORE OF THE BEST OF CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT. A: Deep freeze. hajahe155 6 yr. ago. Carnac held each envelope to his forehead while "divining" the answer, then tore open the end of the envelope and loudly blew into it before removing the index card with the question. A: Skalliwags. Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper? A: SAG Strike. Johnny Carson "Carnak The Magnificent" One Liners. Kitchy-Kitchy? , The Question: Name a good local divorce law firm. Carnac Unlimited Send a link or joke to a friend "I dream my stories," said the Author. A: Lady-in-waiting. Clarnac: This crowd was applaud for a train wreck. While in the past it was very common for women to die in labor, it is now very rare in modern hospitals. A: Henry R. Block. The Answer: An Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and two Golden Globes. Q: What does Billy Carter eat on a sesame-seed bun? 42 results for "carnac hat" RESULTS. Paul? Q: What do you use to fry a peter? A: Zippo Marx. Q: When is the next RTD bus scheduled to arrive? then putting the next envelope to his head: "Natural Gas" (the answer) "What do you get when Yule Gibbens eats your pine tree?" Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk? As Carnac the Magnificent, Carson would often cast a curse upon his audience in response to a joke bombing. A: You asked for it. [8], Since the 1980s, Howard Stern has paid tribute to Carnac the Magnificent, with his own skit called Sternac the Improbable. A: Once is not enough. The Question: How did the dinosaurs become extinct? Carnac: May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your underpants. A: Double hernia. [1] 36 relations: Billboard (magazine), Billet reading, Bob Arbogast, CNN, Columbia University Press, CRC Press, Curse, Divination, Ed McMahon, Ernie Kovacs, . What is missing here is his delivery. A: Never on Sunday. hope chest. I just got a new DVD, and I am really excited about it, but I miss my childhood a little bit I guess. Q: Who ruined that darn rug? share. A: Chariots of the Gods. A: Natural gas. Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The . Clarnac: May a diseased yak leave a gift on your new carpet. eyes? Johnny Carson Carnac the Magnificent replica prop hat. The Answer: A Baptist preacher and a College football coach. Q: What instrument does a doctor use to examine your My daughter-in-law, may she live to be a hundred and twenty, and may she haveto live all her years in *her* daughter-in-law's house. knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and borderline mystical way will ascertain the questions having never before seen the answers. promises. A: Disjoint. car industry. Page, Return to Carnac the Vote Devining Consultant Page. A: A thousand clowns. stops. May a sick ox make bubbles in your hot tub. Are you sure you want to cancel your membership with us? Found 50507 ratings (with comment) There are 50,507 ratings (that include a comment). . A: Dustin Hoffman. Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors. A: Peter Pan. Unfortunately, as I age but my clients don't, more and more of them . A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder. . Carnac the Magnificent. One was a bottle with a message in it that read, "Help! The character was taken from Steve Allens essentially identical Answer Man segment, which Allen performed during his tenure as host ofThe Tonight Showin the 1950s. . a #2 mayonnaise A: Flyswatter. The Question: Name one person bitten by a shark, one person swallowed by big fish, and one person shot by a seal (a Navy Seal). Clarnac: Well see how it goes, if Clarnac can find his reading glasses. , The Question: How do you say Fauci in Mandarin? Q: Name a bake-off, a hiccough and a ripoff. I forgot aboutyour total recall. Curses, Curses, Curses . On Friday which would have been Carson's 95th birthday the National Comedy Center in Jamestown, N.Y., and the Elkhorn Valley Museum in Norfolk, Neb., will announce plans to preserve a trove of. A: Lo-fat. Pretending to psychically concentrate, Carnac periodically asked for "complete silence" from the audience, and McMahon would retort that he often got it.[6]. Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller? The Answer: No more years! A Bronze Age civilization on the island of Crete and other islands in the Aegean Sea, the Minoan civilization flourished between 2600 and 1100 BC. 4.0 out of 5 stars Great for Carnac The Magnificent. ", Jan Elliott AT&T Bell Labs, Holmdel, NJ .hounx!jansz. , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. Carson as Carnac the Magnificent Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. A: Roots. Ron Toth, Jr., Proprietor 72 Charles Street Rochester, New Hampshire 03867-3413 Phone: 1-603-335-2062 Email: [email protected] ", Robert Bickford ([email protected])================================================| I doubt if these are even my own opinions. A: David Frost. They've been kept in The Answer: Because they are afraid someone will clean them. A: The diamond lane. Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe the memoirs of Richard Nixon. A: Kris Kristofferson CARNAC: May a weird holy man drop a cactus down your Q: Name a jewel, a tool and a fool. Q: What do you say when you want to get your Gung to stop? Q: Where do supermarkets store their meat? This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast. compartment in your sister. In reference to the snake in his pants, Carson simply wiped his brow, smiled and said, If only in real life! Classic! (Ben Dover) , The Question: What is Richard Schwartz fee if he collects for you? The Question: Name one of Washington DCs many famous oxymorons. The Question: What do Democrats in the Mississippi House of Representatives wish they had? A: Sale of the Century. A: "Leave it to Beaver." May a love -starved fruit-fly molest your sister's nectarines. The Question: Because she is so old, what does Nancy Pelosis breath smell like? Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his Function: view, File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/index.php Hand made. A: The Newlywed Game. Our Story; Our Chefs View all. ANSWER: Nestea Plunge. [1] A: Ninety-nine and nine-tenths. A: Shake-N-Bake. http://www.torchweb.org/torah_detail.php?id=470, [email protected] Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree? The Question: Clarnac hit a fat lady with my car. , The Question: What is the name the new Disney fat stripper movie. After displaying a chip that looked like a pear, Myrtle turned away just long enough for Carson to crunch down on one of her priceless potato creationsor so it seemed. Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom? She said, Why didnt you go around me?. Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself? Currently showing results page 1,636 of 2,021. A: Damnation Alley. May a carsick camel moisten your Egg McMuffin. I note with amusement the "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd's epic hissy-fit stompy-foot meltdown over the fact that I referred to Trump's "Diaper Valet" in a tweet yesterday. The Answer: NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, PBS, FOX News and a Crowbar. The answer was always an outrageous pun. Key'n'Stroke. CARNAC: May you be forced to visit a near-sighted A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea. The Question: What is Kamala Harris strange path to the presidency? (Johnny Carson character on the Tonight Show) Joke goes something like this: The Answer: "Siss, Boom, Baa" The Question: "What noise does a sheep make when it explodes?" Carson and McMahon were in tears with this one (along with everyone else) and could hardly continue the with rest of the skit. Q: What do you call a drink made with un-cola and prune As Carnac, Carson wore a large feathered turban and a cape. The Answer: Confused, weak, feeble, and uncertain. Q: What do you call a sadistic tailor? All the funny items on this website are fictitious. Carnac the Magnificent was one of the most popular recurring roles that Johnny Carson played on his show in 1964. (the curse). The Answer: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Q: Name a leak, a Greek and a freak. . Q: What noise do sheep make when they laugh? One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. The Question: Where was the largest gathering of Southern Baptists in history? Saint Sophia Cathedral is a UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of the most significant landmarks of Kiev, Ukraine. Eds Intro: Ladies (if any) and gentlemen. Q: What are the only things that can move on Sundays? . Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? The Question: What instructions do you get when your proctologist used to be a photographer? A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G. [1] , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. , Ed: I hold in my and the last envelop. The Answer: Three of the best years of his life. The Question: Whats the name of Bidens black, female affirmative action nominee to the Supreme Court? Q: Name one guy who's rich after April 15th. CARNAC: May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice? Line: 208 One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. work? A: Sha-na-na. May your platform shoes fail you in a camel pasture. May the nurse in your hospital room bring you a frozen bed pan. The Question: Describe how marriage is a 3-ring circus? A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. Related Topics. Make a meme Make a gif Make a chart The Magical Thinking of Trump. Q: Describe the sound you make when you break loose from a Scope and Content Script (Annotated "Ray") Box 4, Folder 44. Question Man. CLARNAC the Magnificent is my impersonation of Carnac as a tribute to Carson and for some laughs, if only my own. Then, he would read the question: What does an alligator get on welfare? Some of the jokes were feeble, and McMahon used pauses after terrible puns and audience groans to make light of Carsons lack of comic success (Carnac must be used to quiet surroundings), prompting Carson to return an equal insult. Line: 479 Function: _error_handler, File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/page/index.php I have been able to obtain some really great similar brocade and will post that tonight. , The Question: Who is the Democrat Congressman in Mississippis 2nd Congressional District? dee? Carson Caucas 1984. Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man have when he sleeps? Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office? NO ONE [at this shout, Carnac always acts startled] knows the contents of these envelopes but you, in your mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before heard the questions. Q: Name three people who like to bomb. Inning. This is seriously one of the best pranks ever! One of those that I remember was "May a diseased yak marry your sister!" "May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup." A: Shareholder. The announcement implied Carnac was responsible for some scandal or disaster currently in the news, as "And now, the great seer, soothsayer, and sage, Carnac the Magnificent." Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race. CARNAC: May a crazed furniture refinisher stain your As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. A: The Orient express. Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate. tissue. It is entirely fictitious. seats. A little hard to keep on. A list of Carnac the Magnificent puns! Wilbur, Orville, and Wright. Get Image Page 2 of 4 Q: What do you get when you squat on a rosy red fire? A: "Follow the yellow brick road." The comedy came from an unexpected question following a seemingly straightforward answer. Carnac the Magnificent: Three Dog Night & Mount Baldy on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show Johnny Carson 772K subscribers Subscribe 5.9K 1.1M views 11 years ago Watch Carson episodes every night on. jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnell's porch. Commissary. A: The eye of a frog, the wing of a fly and the throat of a Shriver. (Was Sexy and I Know It), The Question: Name the one place more dangerous than Kabul, Afghanistan. The entire studio erupts in hysterical laughter] A: The 11th Hour. So that when Balak brought Bilaam to the mountaintop so that he could view the Jews encamped down below and cast a curse upon them (see Numbers 23:28), Bilaam was moved to bless the Jewish people instead and to say, Mah Tovu Oholecha Yisrael How goodly are your tents, O Jacob , a blessing referring specifically to our beautiful Batei Keneses (Houses of Prayer) and Batei Midrash (Houses of Study). Although he retired in 1992 and died in 2005, the consensus remains that Johnny Carson was the greatest late night-talk show ever. In this memorable skit, Carson and Betty White stripped down to their skivvies to reenact the divorce proceedings for humanitys first couple. A: The Laughing Policeman. Q: What comes after Timbuk-one? Welcome once again, O Great Sage. Falling in Love Again (1980) with Susannah York, The Hollywood Knights (1980 . ft. coverage regular price $109.95 Calendar & Tip Sheet January Calendar January Tipsheet Marty's Acre Drinks on the Acre February 13 - 5:30 PM The 2nd Monday of every month we invite you to join us on location at Marty's Acre to talk gardening and enjoy a selection of brew chosen by Marty. A: Keep your eyes on your prize. says "Having an unclean yak sit on my dinner." and Supermanreplies "Johnny Carson, 1967" to which Lex remarks "Right. Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man yell when he hears flushing? A: Buddy Holly. Q: What did Yul Givens give after eating a prune tree? The resulting jokes often involved puns or wordplay; for example, "The La Brea Tar Pits" was the answer to "What do you have left after eating the La Brea Tar Peaches? Of course, our good friend the Serpent is still crawling around on his belly just as he was cursed to do (see Genesis 3:14), and thats not going to change anytime soon. May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your jock strap. Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be? The Answer: Sinking faster than the Titanic. . A: Snap, crackle, pop. I have been collecting records, CDs and DVDs. In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (Mark W Fouraker) writes: Paddy Chayevsky's "The Tenth Man" contains several curses on daughters-in-law. CARNAC: May your favorite aunt develop a crust on her hip. sister's hooped skirt. May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's skirt. Carson would place each envelope against his forehead and predict the answer, such as Gatorade. May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup. The Question: Name 8 things that will soften your brain. Function: _error_handler, Message: Invalid argument supplied for foreach(), File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/user/popup_modal.php
